I have always been a good mom. When I had one child, her face stayed clean, and so did my house. I taught her to say "Please" and "Thank you." She practically potty-trained herself at barely two years old. She was never a picky eater. She let me fix her hair. "I" did so awesome (I thought these things were because of me, anyway. The naivete is amusing to me now.).
I was still a good mom when I had two kids. I helped them quickly and constructively fix their disagreements. I could get the dishes and laundry caught up most every day. He was a pickier eater, and more emotional than I expected from a boy, but I still did so awesome.
Then three. I still did awesome with three kids. Although I was thrilled that the older two were such good friends, it became clear that someone was always "odd man out." Either the boys played together, or the older kids played together, or sister held the baby. So, of course, I had one more.
I have four kids, and I am an awesome mom. One or two rooms in my house are always carpeted with clean/and/or/dirty laundry. Sometimes I am inspired to get the dishes done because they sat so long that they smell bad. I don't get to see my Mom-friends (definition of Mom-friend: friends that this mom has, not that they have to BE moms to qualify), because I can't invite them into my mess. Unless...
Unless I can see that my Mom-friends are awesome... and flawed. I don't have the energy or time to be perfect anymore. If I sense that someone is going to make me work to find out their flaws, or hope that I never find them, then I just can't. If they be real, be "brutifully" honest, be messy in front of me, then I will honor them immediately.
I don't do cutesy hair, or get manicures, or shop as a hobby. I don't mind if they do, but I need to know they are okay to move a pile of school papers in order to sit on my couch and take in the view of abandoned, wadded-up socks, occasional kid underwear and prolific cracker crumbs without vomiting either for real or in their head.
I am such an awesome mom, and an awesome friend. That's why my house looks like this. I spend what precious little energy God has blessed me with on PEOPLE. On RELATIONSHIPS. I will be there for you when you need to vent, I will answer your text in the middle of the night, and I will even help you advance to the next level in Candy Crush. I'm often afraid people can't see how awesome I am under all the mess. So I'm going to start telling it to myself: "I am awesome."
My family has been having a crisis-level drought of positive self-talk. It has to end. And the good has to start. And it starts with me. I will not be a good mom "someday," or "when my kids are older and my house is cleaner." I am a good mom today.
***I would love to hear in the comments ways you promote positive self-talk in your home, 'cuz you know if I take to Pinterest about it, I will leave there thinking I'm the only flawed Mom left on the planet!
5 comments:
This is wonderful! I love people who can hang out with me and look past the mess that is inevitable. You are an awesome mom! For ways to promote positive talk, I find saying thank you to my kids and hubby for the many things I "ask" them to do helps. -Janelle
This is wonderful! I love people who can hang out with me and look past the mess that is inevitable. You are an awesome mom! For ways to promote positive talk, I find saying thank you to my kids and hubby for the many things I "ask" them to do helps. -Janelle
I have learned to relax my expectations for the condition of my house, but not everyone works the way you do. I am a good mom too, but I have the type of personality that I can't function with messes around me. So to be a good mom and not be stressed out and anxious and CRAZY with my kids, I have to have it be semi-clean. But I can overlook other people's messes and enjoy being with them. And I have had to move way worse things than school papers to sit and talk with someone (visiting teaching in particular) :)
Self-talk is powerful! When you say positive things about yourself in front of your children, they will think about that, and before long, they will model after you and say positive things about themselves, and to their siblings. It gets to be a way of life. You can do it!
I tend to not invite people over or in when the house is messy (which is always). But I'm glad that some circumstances have required it and that I've been able to see great moms with and without messes. I'm not sure I've reached the 'positive self-talk phase' yet, still working on accepting that it isn't going to be perfect and trying not to focus on the mess (and trying not to apologize to people for it). One thing that I do find helpful is to stop thinking that it is all my job or all my fault. Its more fun to think of it as everyone else's job that I'm helping them with - then I can feel good about the bonus/extra stuff I did for them (rather than feel guilty about all of the things I didn't make time for). I also LOVE the implied message here that kids have agency and we can't take credit for everything they do and are. Patrick has the most difficulty regulating his behavior and communicating politely when he's overstimulated in social settings. I appreciate the friends and family who don't judge me if he says something that could be perceived as rude. We will work with him on it later, but in the moment he just needs to know that we understand his needs and that he is safe/supported. Thanks for the post!
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